I Believed I Was a Lesbian - The Legendary Artist Enabled Me to Realize the Truth

Back in 2011, several years ahead of the renowned David Bowie show launched at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I declared myself a lesbian. Until that moment, I had solely pursued relationships with men, one of whom I had wed. By 2013, I found myself in my early 40s, a newly single mother of four, living in the America.

At that time, I had begun to doubt both my personal gender and sexual orientation, seeking out answers.

Born in England during the dawn of the seventies era - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my peers and I were without online forums or YouTube to turn to when we had questions about sex; conversely, we looked to pop stars, and during the 80s, artists were playing with gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer wore male clothing, The flamboyant singer embraced women's fashion, and pop groups such as popular ensembles featured performers who were openly gay.

I craved his slender frame and defined hairstyle, his strong features and flat chest. I wanted to embody the Bowie's Berlin period

In that decade, I lived riding a motorbike and dressing like a tomboy, but I returned to conventional female presentation when I opted for marriage. My spouse relocated us to the US in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an undeniable attraction back towards the male identity I had previously abandoned.

Considering that no artist experimented with identity to the extent of David Bowie, I opted to use some leisure time during a seasonal visit back to the UK at the V&A, anticipating that maybe he could provide clarity.

I didn't know specifically what I was searching for when I walked into the show - perhaps I hoped that by losing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, in turn, discover a hint about my own identity.

Before long I was facing a small television screen where the music video for "Boys Keep Swinging" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the primary position, looking sharp in a charcoal outfit, while off to one side three supporting vocalists in feminine attire gathered around a microphone.

In contrast to the entertainers I had seen personally, these characters weren't sashaying around the stage with the self-assurance of born divas; conversely they looked unenthused and frustrated. Relegated to the background, they had gum in their mouths and expressed annoyance at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, apparently oblivious to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a momentary pang of empathy for the accompanying performers, with their pronounced make-up, ill-fitting wigs and constricting garments.

They gave the impression of as uncomfortable as I did in feminine attire - frustrated and eager, as if they were yearning for it all to end. At the moment when I realized I was identifying with three men dressed in drag, one of them removed her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Revelation. (Naturally, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I became completely convinced that I desired to shed all constraints and become Bowie too. I desired his lean physique and his defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and his male chest; I wanted to embody the slim-silhouetted, Berlin-era Bowie. Nevertheless I couldn't, because to truly become Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Announcing my identity as queer was a different challenge, but transitioning was a considerably more daunting possibility.

It took me several more years before I was willing. During that period, I tried my hardest to embrace manhood: I ceased using cosmetics and threw away all my feminine garments, cut off my hair and commenced using male attire.

I changed my seating posture, walked differently, and adopted new identifiers, but I halted before medical intervention - the chance of refusal and regret had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

Once the David Bowie exhibition finished its world tour with a engagement in the American metropolis, after half a decade, I went back. I had arrived at a crisis. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be a person I wasn't.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the challenge didn't involve my attire, it was my biological self. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been presenting artificially since birth. I wanted to transform myself into the person in the polished attire, dancing in the spotlight, and then I comprehended that I had the capacity to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a medical professional not long after. The process required additional years before my transition was complete, but none of the fears I feared occurred.

I continue to possess many of my traditional womanly traits, so others regularly misinterpret me for a homosexual male, but I'm OK with that. I desired the liberty to play with gender like Bowie did - and given that I'm content with my physical form, I am able to.